What are you doing here?

I was at the end of a frustrating year of college at a school to which I didn't return. They had invited me to be a part of the inaugural year of their new honors program, and I spent the year growing up in a lot of ways. Musically, I had not grown much in those months, and one of my professors called me into his office one day as the spring semester was wrapping up. I had done well in his class, so I really didn't know what to expect. He started by asking a very direct question: "What are you doing here?"

He had seen some potential in me early in the academic year. In fact, he had considered splitting his large class into two sections with me leading the second section. That was quite a compliment, coming from an established professor, but the year passed without me ever really grasping and owning the potential he saw. This professor concluded that I was not being sufficiently challenged by the institution... that my full capability was not being nurtured. In some ways, it was easy for me not to thrive. Thus his question "What are you doing here?" was eventually followed by some suggestions of other (prestigious) schools that he thought would better sharpen me and call me fully forward.

I didn't take his advice on any of those schools, but his question stuck with me in more ways than one. Several years later, I was working in a church in a small town and a parishioner heard me practicing the piano one afternoon. Her question was identical to my professor's: What are you doing here? She saw something about me that I wasn't willing to see in myself, but the question immediately caught my attention.

I started waking up a bit that day, but I am only beginning to see how I have sold myself short in many ways for years. Perhaps it was because I didn't want to be driven by blind ambition, constantly striving to achieve more. More likely, it was plain fear that I wouldn't measure up to the challenge, that no amount of striving could compensate for my inadequacies. Sticking with what came easily seemed safer, but it wound up being ultimately less satisfying. It became rather like wearing clothes that are too small... I can completely fill them out, but there is more of me than what the clothes can contain. And it's not terribly comfortable.

Now I am being evoked again, and I am looking at myself with more honesty and less fear. Admitting my strengths and capabilities, I want a satisfying, sharpening environment that I have to stretch a little bit to fill out completely. I want to thrive. I can see many possibilities for how this can happen, and I am sure that there are possibilities I don't yet see. But if I remain willing to keep asking myself "What am I doing here?" and answer honestly, I believe those possibilities will become clearer and clearer.

The Power of Partnership, Part 2

I had occasion last week to go back through this blog and read all of my old entries. In May, I wrote about the power of partnership and how willingly people seem to partner with me when I give them an opportunity. More recently, I wrote about learning in a spiral, getting a new perspective on a particular challenge each time I encounter it. Today, the spiral has brought me back around to partnership because of three important pieces I gained over the past few days.

It has been because of partnership in communication that I have become more keenly aware that I am trying to do something unusual in my life. I am looking at what I want in my life and determining how to create it. Recognizing that the plan I am putting in place is not designed to change everything overnight, I am still seeking the small steps I can take toward a distant goal while getting all that I can from where I am in the moment. I want there to be purpose rather than reactions behind my choices, and I want to develop my sense of personal authenticity while empowering others to do the same.

Sometimes I just assume that this all makes sense to others, but I have also realized how easily people can draw off-the-mark conclusions when they only have bits and pieces to go on. My willingness to communicate has often involved me believing I was doing my best to be approachable and then waiting for someone to ask a question. Now I am seeing how that has led to some frustration and how much personal power that actually gives away. Waiting for other people to open the door for me also gives me constant ammunition to judge and criticize, to deflect attention away from the fact that I haven't been opening those doors myself. My predictions or assumptions about how people will respond can keep me from opportunities for satisfying partnership.

At one point, I thought that the limitation of that was in finding people who are willing to partner. I knew that I can't do everything myself, but I was not entirely convinced that anyone else wanted to be a part of what I am trying to create on any level. Yet even in the last few days I have been elated that individuals have responded favorably when I sought partnership. What it took was making it clearly known what I wanted, and people appeared willing to find out more. When I allowed fear to keep me from opening my mouth and asking for it, partnership was much less possible.

But I have also learned that I can partner with people who are not as intentional about their partnership. When I am willing to stand in my own competence, insight, and vision, without worrying about what other people see and without trying to prove anything, I can partner in some way with anyone. Their own fears, beliefs, and assumptions might limit how high that partnership can soar, just as mine will when I slip out of alignment with myself. But even limited partnership is not without value.

Making Them Understand

When I hear someone talk about making someone else understand something, I think it's a bit funny. I didn't always. In fact, I still do things out of a subconscious desire for other people to understand my way of thinking. But I realize that I can't. Sometimes it might be because people just aren't capable of it, that they simply aren't in a frame of mind that will allow them to see a different way of doing things. For me, it's more often the case that I'm unwilling to see someone's point of view. I am so convinced that I am right that I would rather try to convince someone to see things my way than listen to their perspective.

Luckily, this is not how I want to be. And the more I become aware of it, the more I can shift gears. I can listen to what someone is saying without believing that my own beliefs are threatened. Of course, this seems to be more of a challenge with people whose perspectives actually have an impact on the reality of my life, like my wife or boss or a musician who has commissioned a piece of music. Sometimes it is so logical to frame things as "either/or."

What I am realizing this week is that I have been holding off on steps forward in my vision for my life and creative pursuits because I am waiting for other people. I am waiting for their approval, for their understanding, for their acceptance... and I have been frustrated sometimes when I haven't gotten it. I've been believing that I can't move forward without making them understand what I'm doing and why. Not just understand it, but approve of it as well. What a brilliant excuse!

I can't actually make anyone understand or approve of my own vision or the actions I'll take to create it. And there is no requirement that I shift my beliefs or commitments just because someone has a different way of seeing things. I can be open to other ideas and possibilities without needing to defend myself. And I can live out my vision with integrity and purpose, trusting that those who want to see it and share in it, will.

Arguing with Myself

At the More to Life team meeting last night, I found myself having a bit of an argument inside my head. I would offer up some realization I had gained from my recent conversations with people and the little voice inside my head would say, "You sound like you're bragging." "I'm not bragging, I'm just trying to contribute something I think has value." The back and forth goes on a bit, but the bottom line is that I am not interested in hiding out or only being semi-present. I want to be all in. If I'm spending my time and energy on something, I want it to be a conscious and passionate choice to be fully present and completely myself.

That doesn't appease the little voice inside my head though. When a question arises in the meeting about who is willing to step forward and take a particular responsibility, I want to raise my hand. But I wait because I don't want to "take the opportunity away from" anyone else. I imagine some part of my brain was counting to ten. With what power do I credit myself in thinking I can take away someone else's opportunity to serve? It's a subtle way of playing small, hiding out. It's not that I'm unwilling to do something, it's about how I want (and don't want) people to see me. But deep down inside I want to be seen and appreciated for who I genuinely am, not for how well I can act. So, how do I expect people to see and appreciate someone I won't show them?

I raised my hand.