Wishin' and Hopin'

I have wished for many things at different points in my life. I have wished for jobs, to win the lottery, to get someplace on time, to have favorable weather, to remember a piece of music well for a performance, for other people to keep their word. As I consider my current and evolving vision for my life, I see a stark contrast between my wishes and my vision.

Most of the things I wish for are completely out of my control. Sure, I can create an impeccable resume and do well in an interview, but there are elements of applying for a job that I just can't control. I can prepare a piece of music to the best of my ability and still have a memory slip when something unexpected happens in my environment, like bright stage lights in my eyes or hearing an audience member have a coughing fit. Winning the lottery, how heavy traffic is, or what kind of weather I'll experience are even more out of my hands. The best I can hope for is to prepare well.

Vision works a little differently. It isn't just hoping for something to happen the way I want, or even having a conscious willingness to be successful in my goals. To have an intentional, purposeful vision means to be committed to taking the steps necessary to bring a result into reality. It means developing a keen awareness of what I can control and embracing a certain responsibility to myself to do what I can to the best of my ability to achieve what I want in life. And this means getting very specific about what I want and what I can do to make it happen.

Having a vision is a position of power in my life. Making wishes often just articulates the areas in which I am powerless. When I recognize the things in my life I can control and I focus my energy on a vision that is full of meaning and passion for me, I find that I don't do nearly as much wishing.

Jumping With No Guarantees

From time to time, I play computer games in which I can save my progress at a particular point and attempt a challenge without any consequences for failure. If something goes wrong, or if I am unsatisfied with my attempt, I can just try again from the point at which I saved my progress. I can do this as much as a like until I overcome the challenge to my satisfaction.

I often think that it would be wonderful to be able to save my progress in real life. Then I can try something out, see what happens, and decide if that's really the course of action I want to take. Taking a step forward seems so much easier when I think I know exactly what will happen. When I don't have any guarantee of success, I have a little more hesitation. Is my forward momentum actually going to carry me in the direction I want? Have I prepared for every possible pitfall? Should I just wait until I have it all figured out?

That's quite a temptation. If I wait until I have it all figured out before I take action, I will always be poised to leap forward and I'll never actually have to take the risk. Of course, the down side is that I will never achieve what I really want either. The truth is that I will never have an absolute guarantee of success. There's not a way to hit "Save" in my life and go back to the beginning of the day if I don't like the way things turn out.

If I want to create a life that expresses the most authentic me possible, a life that is defined by my passions, a life that opens space for transformation in myself and others around me, part of that life involves trusting myself and others. I can prepare to the best of my ability, and I can craft well-designed plans to carry me forward, but my journey will eventually take me to a places where I have to jump without knowing exactly where I will land. The more I think about that, the more it seems like that's one of the most incredible parts of the adventure.

My Grandfather

There is a balance in learning to appreciate and value my own vision for my life, while listening to and partnering with others in their own paths. My goal is to maintain my focus, and still discover the value in opportunities I don't expect. I learned an important piece of this from my grandfather, even though it wasn't a lesson he was trying to teach me.

I always looked to my grandfather as the epitome of serenity, and although I have learned some things about his life and decisions that cloud that image of him, my appreciation for him has not diminished in the least. What I learned, though, is that all of his major life decisions were made for him by other people. Not that he was forced to do things against his will, but rather that he didn't manifest a strong will one way or the other. His jobs early in life, his religion, his career, his wife, and even where he lived were determined by other individuals. When he finally became unable to care for himself late in life, after my grandmother had already passed away, he was so unaccustomed to making any important decisions for himself that he wept when there was no clear direction. Relatives and others close to him were not in agreement about what he should do and where he should go, and for the first time I saw him distraught. I believe he was led into a situation that only sped the decline of his health because he simply listened to the strongest voice.

What I had mistaken for mere serenity in my grandfather had actually been in some ways a lack of vision. I don't know what he would have dreamed for his life. In fact, I don't honestly know if it would have been all that different. But the way he arrived at the decisions he made is where I want my practice to distinctly diverge from his. I respect, love, and honor him like no other person, but I want to give the powerful and transformative vision I have for my own life every possible chance to manifest itself.

Whose Vision?

I am one of those people who has a clear idea in mind of what I want from life. I don't always know exactly how to get there, and I don't always do the things I believe will get me closer to my vision. Over the past few months, several lights have gone off for me as I observe my behavior and notice the things I do that sabotage my own efforts.

One of those has been the realization that I have a bit of fear regarding success. I don't want to be driven to achieve things; I don't want to be spending all of my time working toward something and not enjoying the result. But when I take a look at the true vision I have for my life, I can see clearly that the drive to accomplish things is actually a distraction from what would really mean success for me. I lose focus on what is vitally important to me at the core of my being, because it's easier to work toward concrete, short-term, easily-defined goals. That these goals often do nothing to propel me forward can escape my notice when I am bouncing from one task to the next.

So where to all of these goals come from if they don't serve my vision for my life? Other people. Sure, my mind can come up with distractions and busywork to keep me treading water so I don't have to confront an irrational fear of getting what I really want, but it doesn't usually have to exert itself. Other people's vision for what I should be doing, for what they need, or for what life should be like can distract me from being aware of how my own vision quest is progressing.

And I want to be a part of other people's vision for lots of reasons: I want to make a difference. I believe in what they want for the world. I want to validate their ideas. I want them to be happy. I want to be valued. But the bottom line is, I often allow what I want most for my life to take a back seat in order to spend my time and energy on someone else's vision. Whether the other person's vision has merit or creates something good in the world is irrelevant at a certain point.

There can be something profoundly healthy about asking "What's in it for me?" In the past, I have thought of that as a selfish question. When people wanted to know what they would get out of something, I have often judged them. Now I am learning that there is nothing selfish in asking how my deepest, most heartfelt intentions will be satisfied by a certain decision or course of action. And when I look at it honestly, there is certainly no reason to fear following that vision.

Photo by Fishtail@Taipei

Being

There is a philosophical conversation about Doing and Being that has been parodied by popular culture, but I never really thought about it much aside from laughing at somebody's T-shirt. As a person who is often accomplishing things, working toward goals, measuring progress, staying focused, and yes, getting driven at times, there has never really been a reason to consider whether doing or being was of primary importance.

Now as a result of several recent conversations, I find myself in the midst of a rather powerful realization. I have been getting several messages that I am appreciated for who I am, for the attitude I bring into an environment, for my "energy." And although I am tempted to define this as my purposefulness or a drive to get things done, I realize that what is meant by this word is actually closer to "spirit." I am appreciated for my spirit. Huh.

I don't think for a moment that people don't appreciate the things that I do to make a positive contribution. I hear that message, too. But this whole idea that who I am is valuable in and of itself, apart from any achievement... that just having my natural attitude and being in my natural spirit has an impact... that's something that I just haven't listened to before. I get it, and it makes complete sense to me. But I'm not used to it.

Some wise person once said that 90% of life is just showing up, and I am recognizing that I can have an impact when I am willing to show up with my full self. I will still accomplish things, because I have passions that propel me and energize me. I know I'm not defined by what I have achieved, but I guess knowing something and living it are sometimes two different things. So, now I that am really getting the message, I am happy to be. And I am grateful that in that simple willingness I can make a difference.