Friday, August 28, 2009

My Expectations vs. Reality

Say what you will about visualization, no matter how vividly or purposefully one sees something happening in the mind's eye, one can't control anything outside of oneself. When I visualize the outcome that I truly want, I do believe that I line up my intention and my awareness; I'm ready for it and I'm watching for opportunities to propel myself toward that outcome. But my expectations are still often in competition with what reality turns out to be.

In my job, I have spent a couple of years working toward a long-range vision. I have been redefining what "leadership" means for myself and for other people around me. I have encouraged other people to embrace their capability and I have become more intentional about my communication and my decisions. I want my choices to reflect that larger vision rather than be made out of fear or a desire to please people. The person I had worked most closely with in developing this vision is now gone, however. I am now reporting to someone whose purpose is to see things through a transition period, so the expressed expectations are relatively short-term in scope. Can we still have partnership with different visions.

With the new Power of Connection mentor courses I have scheduled, I expected that there would be a strong interest in a certain community. At least enough to reach the course limit of 15. My marketing for the course was based on that expectation, but the registrations have not been pouring in. I don't know the reasons, but I am recognizing that reality is not what I expected or even envisioned it to be. I am certainly learning something from the experience, but it's not what I had hoped for.

As a composer, I am exploring ways to spend more time with creative pursuits rather than spending my time sending out pieces to competitions and calls for scores in the hopes of getting performances and recognition. I envision a partnership with someone who has a complementary skill set and sees a way to benefit from truly acting on my behalf. I see a number of possibilities for this kind of partnership. It may even be several different people. But I don't know what reality will give me to work with.

When do persistence and tenacity become stubbornness and inflexibility? I don't know. My decisions for today are to hold to my larger vision and see where it carries me. It's certainly not something I believe I can create overnight, and I fully expect that it will continually fluctuate and coalesce in response to new information. My expectations are not really in competition with reality. It's just part of the dance. A partnership that constantly calls me into growth. And the fuel for the vision is a kind of hope and faith that is as boundless as I am willing for it to be.

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