Friday, March 13, 2009

Arguing with Myself

At the More to Life team meeting last night, I found myself having a bit of an argument inside my head. I would offer up some realization I had gained from my recent conversations with people and the little voice inside my head would say, "You sound like you're bragging." "I'm not bragging, I'm just trying to contribute something I think has value." The back and forth goes on a bit, but the bottom line is that I am not interested in hiding out or only being semi-present. I want to be all in. If I'm spending my time and energy on something, I want it to be a conscious and passionate choice to be fully present and completely myself.

That doesn't appease the little voice inside my head though. When a question arises in the meeting about who is willing to step forward and take a particular responsibility, I want to raise my hand. But I wait because I don't want to "take the opportunity away from" anyone else. I imagine some part of my brain was counting to ten. With what power do I credit myself in thinking I can take away someone else's opportunity to serve? It's a subtle way of playing small, hiding out. It's not that I'm unwilling to do something, it's about how I want (and don't want) people to see me. But deep down inside I want to be seen and appreciated for who I genuinely am, not for how well I can act. So, how do I expect people to see and appreciate someone I won't show them?

I raised my hand.

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